Unconditional
by onetoomany
Summary: Directly Post-Grave. Mostly good ole platonic Scooby love, with a pinch of X/A


Unconditional  
  
Author: onetoomany Rating: PG Summary: Directly post-Grave. Mostly good ole platonic Scooby love with a pinch of X/A. Note: First attempt at any sort of fic. I like to think this one gets better as it goes along. Would love some R/Rs Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Joss and me. Ok, ok. Joss and ME. No infringement Intended.  
  
  
  
Buffy breathed in deeply, fully immersing herself in one of those perfect moments where suddenly the meaning of life becomes miraculously clear. Of course, fears are always quick to cloud such glimpses, and this moment is no different.  
  
"Giles!"  
  
Buffy and Dawn exchange glances. He can't be. He can't be. Still clasping Dawn's hand, Buffy started towards the Magic Box only to quickly collide with the receiving end of one teleported Anya.  
  
"Anya - "  
  
"He's okay, Buffy. Whatever it was that was killing him.well it depended on the world being ended. Which is, you know, not so dire, when you consider that the world ending would pretty much screw us all - " Anya paused, "he's okay."  
  
Unexpectedly, Anya wrapped her arms around the Summers sisters.  
  
Overcome with emotion she was fairly confident hadn't been a part of the original vengeance demon package, she continued, ".we're all going to be okay."  
  
**  
  
Xander buried his head in her hair and breathed in deeply.  
  
Her scent was as comforting as always, triggering memories of sleepovers and camp-outs. Of hide-and-go-seek and geometry. Of.  
  
Unwanted memories of the past few days flooded in. Of what they'd lost, of what they'd nearly lost, and of what they might never reclaim again. In his mind's eye Willow smiled brightly at him. Biting his lip, it was all he could do not to join her as she wept in his arms.  
  
**  
  
"Willow, how is she?"  
  
It had been a difficult question for Buffy to ask. The words her best friend had coldly spoken just hours before were still looping in her brain: I'm not coming back. That voice.a mixture of grim determination and passionless grief had terrified her. Willow was gone. The possibility that she really wasn't coming back was too paralyzing to consider during the apocalyptic battle that had followed but now.  
  
How could things have gotten so wrong so quickly? But things had been wrong for so long. She knew that a part of her had hated Willow for bringing her back. For a while, couldn't even stand to look at her. It became easier to hide, to pretend, to go through the motions of how things used to be, than to be honest. Is that why she didn't notice Willow sliding out of control sooner? Didn't see how strong her dependence on magic had become? And then she realized: she hadn't cared. It was Willow's magic that had ripped her from the first real peace she'd ever experienced, and if Willow was suffering because of it, then she'd been perfectly content to let her.  
  
"Giles says Xander got through to her, stopped her.I don't know anything else," Anya supplied.  
  
Buffy felt sick from her thoughts. How had she been so removed? So unfeeling? She if anyone should have understood Willow's actions. Just last year she would have let the world end rather than see her sister die. The pain of living in a world where Dawn was dead would have been too much to bear. And yet, Buffy had never really thought about the ramifications of her own death. To the casual still-mortal observer, her ultimate fate had been uncertain. The fear of her suffering had obviously weighed heavily on her friends.  
  
Willow had had the power to change things. To help her. Buffy was back because her friends had loved her too much to risk that she was suffering. And she had been too blinded by her own misery to see the truth, to forgive them for being human.  
  
But now she did, unequivocally. And more than anything she needed to be with them.  
  
"Buffy?"  
  
Buffy turned towards her sister who was staring intently into her eyes obviously concerned about the long silence.  
  
"Dawnie I want you to go with Anya back to the house. I have to find Xander and Willow."  
  
Dawn nodded. To her left Anya poofed away, and then quickly back. "They're still at the bluff." Buffy smiled. "Ahn," Buffy searched for some way to fully express her gratitude, but finding it impossible, settled on "Thank you."  
  
Buffy reached over and squeezed Dawn's shoulder reassuringly "I'll be home soon. I love you."  
  
And then she turned away, her eyes set on the horizon.  
  
**  
  
She ran quickly.  
  
Alone now, she was once again haunted by Willow's chilling litany: I'm not coming back. I'm not coming back. I'm not coming back.  
  
Flashes of memory, of her friend in happier times, accompanied the words, tainting the past with her fears. Pumping her legs harder she tried to push everything away.  
  
"You're the Slayer, and we're like.the Slayerettes!"  
  
Her throat began to tighten. I'm not coming back.  
  
".and that's when I realized. That's what I want to do with my life - fight evil. It's a good fight Buffy, and I want in."  
  
Tears burned her eyes as she alternated between deep breaths and short sobs. Up ahead she saw Xander crouched over Willow's body, desperately shaking her. The sound of her own heartbeat was now crushingly oppressive in her ears, preventing her from hearing his frantic cries for help.  
  
Reaching the bluff, she came up behind Xander, looking down on the listless body of their friend.  
  
"She just stopped Buffy! She was crying and holding me and she just stopped! I can't wake her up Buffy! I can't wake her up!"  
  
**  
  
Buffy stared down at Tara. Her peaceful repose on the bedroom floor was a sick contradiction to violent defilement of her body. Vomit and unreleased tears were choking her.  
  
"Buffy help me!"  
  
Xander's voice brought her back to the present, the memory of Tara's lifeless body now replaced by the sight of Willow's. Fighting emotional overload, Buffy focused her attention away from Tara. There was no time deal with that now.  
  
Pulling Xander back, Buffy gently placed her fingers on Willow's neck. Her pulse was thready, but there.  
  
"We have to get her to a hospital now" she managed calmly as she lifted her friend's body off the ground. Moving as quickly as she could, she tried to orient herself to where the nearest road was. They needed to find a car, a phone, someone quickly. Picking up the pace, Buffy couldn't help but notice how light Willow was in her arms. She was amazed that someone who had recently had the power to kill her, to take down the entire planet, now appeared so fragile and weak. Quickly cutting off all too painful and scary thoughts, she called for Xander to hurry.  
  
It was Xander who spotted the car moving quickly up the ridge. As it approached it became clear that it was Giles behind the wheel. Skidding to a stop, Giles exited the rental, opening the back door and signaling Buffy over. Xander climbed in the backseat with Willow as Giles took the wheel, quickly turning the car around.  
  
No words had been exchanged yet. Buffy looked at Giles. He looked tired, but relatively sound. She slipped her hand into his giving it a grateful squeeze. In the back, Xander tried his best to reassure his unconscious friend, and, in no small part, himself, that things would be okay. That she would be alright. That he was here. That he wouldn't let anything happen to her.  
  
Cautiously, Giles spoke: "We're still somewhat connected by the magic, Willow and I. It's how I knew she was here; that she had slipped.she.she's in a coma, of sorts. Her body is physically drained. Her spirit.God, I don't know how to put this.is fractured. In a way it was." he paused ".torn apart once she allowed the dark magics to consume her. I can feel that it's still our Willow in there," he glanced quickly in the rearview, "only terribly - "  
  
".broken" Buffy finished, verbalizing her fears for the first time.  
  
I'm not coming back.  
  
"She'll be okay," Xander repeated loudly and somewhat angrily, this time for the benefit of all. "She has to be."  
  
**  
  
She'd been to far too many of these services in her young life, Buffy thought. All of them were the same, indistinguishable and interchangeable in every way.  
  
They had been a good person, a good friend, a good mother. Now they had gone on to a better place. Let us remember them, and cherish our memories. Words that neither consoled nor moved, merely buzzed dead senses. Always, during times like these, she was numb. Sadness, frustration and anger at God, or whoever let this happen, forced to do battle in an unresponsive body. It was strange that her own post-mortal experience had done nothing to change her reaction to death.  
  
Dawn was crying on her shoulder. Buffy had cared for Tara very much, especially recently. Their friendship had grown from a sort of friend-in- common fondness into something personal and important. But she had been robbed of the chance to really get a chance to love Tara like Dawn had, like family. During the last few days and long nights Dawn had opened herself up to Buffy, recounting the months during which Buffy had been dead. Somehow, Buffy had not noticed on her own how important Tara and Will had become to Dawn. They, along with Xander, had been her family. Watching her sister suffer through yet another tragic loss deeply pained Buffy. No wonder she'd worked so hard trying to protect her sister from the world.  
  
But she wasn't going to protect her anymore, she reaffirmed to herself. There was so much to live for, so much good in the world to show her. Dawn was going to be happy. Her friends would be happy. She remade the promise to Tara right there, the person who'd been a source of unconditional friendship, comfort, and hope when things had been the darkest. It felt like the right thing to do.  
  
Buffy watched as Tara's coffin was slowly lowered into the ground. Her eyes swept across the small crowd, and as the first clumps of dirt were cast downward, she mourned that the person who had loved Tara most couldn't be here for her final goodbye.  
  
Buffy hated funerals.  
  
**  
  
Xander had chosen to stay with Willow during the service. He'd stayed in the hospital along with Buffy and Dawn, since that day on the bluff. More often than not, though, he found himself drawn to the hallway. He was hallway guy, a habit he'd fallen into over the years. Funny the habits you pick up on the Hellmouth.  
  
He smiled sadly, tracing his fingers across Willow's brow, wondering if he was objective enough to think that she looked better today. His thoughts shifted to the night before. Anya had come by making her usual rounds. She always brought coffee, or a cheese sandwich or something for he and the girls. She never said much, which was strange, but her presence was undeniably comforting to him. It was during these last few days that he'd pinpointed all the things he wished he could take back and change about their relationship. Not just the wedding, but so many things; so many ways in which he wanted to be so much more for her; so many ways in which he could love her more honestly. He was done with his bullshit defenses and excuses.  
  
I guess it really took the world falling apart, he thought, for me to find out who I am and who I'm not. And I'm certainly not my father.  
  
Anyway, late last night, he'd been pretty near delirious from lack of sleep. Anya had come by bearing jelly donuts for all. She'd asked if there'd been any change and had told him he looked terrible. This was the usual rigmarole. But last night instead of sitting, she took his hand in hers.  
  
"Xander, please come home, you need to sleep. Just for a little while."  
  
He'd have liked to have argued, but exhaustion and the desire to maintain physical contact with her had both been entirely too convincing. After gently kissing Willow's forehead and a glancing at the sleeping Buffy and Dawn, he'd stood, keeping her hand within his own as she'd led him out of the room.  
  
At home, he'd showered, toweled off and put on a pair of boxers before he realized he'd forgotten to use the soap. Of all things, he thought, I forget cleaning myself when on autopilot. No wonder I'm irresistible to the women. Climbing back in, he turned on the showerhead. Behind him, the bathroom door opened.  
  
"Xander, are you okay in there?"  
  
It was Anya. She was still here?  
  
"I thought you'd left," he said aloud.  
  
He stuck his head out from behind the curtain and was surprised to see that Anya was wearing pajamas. For a split second, she flushed, embarrassed.  
  
"No, I - did you want me to?" Anya looked up as she said this, meeting his eyes.  
  
It was then Xander realized what he'd been missing. There was forgiveness and love and a million other things he'd done nothing to deserve in her eyes. He'd never loved her more than he did in that moment and he had no idea what to say to her. At all. He started to try, but thankfully she stopped him.  
  
"I know" was all she'd said.  
  
He'd wondered then how she could forgive him for the terrible things he had done to her and said to her; how she could just open her heart back up to him so willingly. But looking at Willow today, he knew why. It was because she loved him.  
  
**  
  
Buffy pushed open the door to her mother's room. Daylight washed over her as she walked inside. Her eyes shifted downward, and there, again, was Tara. Tentatively, bent down, rolling her onto her back, only to see Tara's face morph into Willow's. Buffy gasped as the body's eyes snapped open.  
  
Stepping back, Buffy watched as Willow got up, took a moment to look back down at where she had been laying, and then, ever so slowly, moved towards the window.  
  
"Will, what are you doing here?" Buffy finally asked.  
  
"I live here, Buffy. I sleep in this bed. It's a bed for dead people. For your mom, for Tara.." Willow turned towards Buffy, suddenly very concerned ".Buffy do you sleep here?"  
  
Puzzled, Buffy watched her as she continued to stare out the window.  
  
"I'm so sorry Buffy," she choked, "I brought you back to life and I killed you and both times I was wrong."  
  
Buffy didn't understand. But she rarely did in these sorts of dreams.  
  
"You didn't kill me Willow. We're not dead. And I understand why you did what you did last year. I would have been by your side with the bringing- back, had it been Dawn that died, no question. But none of that matters now, Will. All that matters is that you come back to us. I want to make things right. I miss you so much. Xander too - "  
  
"No," Willow quietly interrupted, absently shifting her gaze across the room. "No, this isn't real. If it's not some kind of afterlife, than it's still just a dream. In the real world, I've done horrible, unforgivable things," indescribable pain flickered across her features. Buffy slowly approached her. "You gave me your trust, Buffy, and your friendship from the very beginning and I never did anything to deserve either. And now I've betrayed everyone in the worst possible way." Willow looked back down at the floor, to the spot that had started and finished everything. Tears filled her eyes. "Oh Buffy, I can't bear to think of how much she must hate me!"  
  
Not giving her time to resist, Buffy pulled Willow into her arms.  
  
"She could NEVER hate you, Will. I promise you that. I know things seem impossibly hard now. I know you don't want to forgive yourself. I know that it's easier to give up, to stop living." As she spoke, Buffy realized that it was true. She wasn't just offering platitudes. Her empathy was genuine. "But, we're going to get through this, you and Xander and me. We're going to help you. We're going to be here for you. But most of all, we're going to love you always. And there is NOTHING you can do to change my mind on any of that."  
  
Willow laughed, albeit somewhat bitterly. "Well yeah, I believe you. I don't think I could do any worse by you if I tried. Buffy- " her voice broke as she pulled back, meeting Buffy's eyes for the first time ".thank you."  
  
Buffy reached out, placing her hands softly on either side of Willow's face. They were both crying. "Just come back to us," Buffy sniffed, then, with a smile, "okay?"  
  
**  
  
It happened so quickly he wasn't sure he'd felt it.  
  
"Will?" Xander asked, holding her hand, waiting for the pressure he thought he'd felt to repeat itself.  
  
Again, she squeezed his hand.  
  
"Buffy wake up! It's Willow!"  
  
Buffy jerked awake. Xander smiled broadly at her. Willow was coming back. 


End file.
